Forged In The Flames

Scans October 10th. That is all I could think about. What if they see something else? What if nothing has changed? These were the thoughts that circulated through my brain in the week leading up to the big day. BUT..what if there was NOTHING? The battle for peace was on, and some days it was not a pretty battle. I was constantly reminded that it was in God’s hands and He has a plan, I just may not know what it is. The mental battle dealing with this diagnosis can be just as hard as the physical battle. I had dear friends and family remind me that through this whole process, everything has gone smoothly, so why would that change now? Well, in my medical brain, the worst case scenario always tried to rear its ugly head. So many times we have to fight for our peace of mind, and some days it appears that it is a losing battle. God calls us not to worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself (Matthew 6:34). Live in the moment, live in today. NONE of us are guaranteed tomorrow. I felt like the peaceful moments were labile and fleeting at times. The harder I fought for peace, the more the “worry darts” seemed to come. It is interesting that this fight during these moments was so challenging. Yes, there were days I sat around in my PJS and my husband, Mom, Dad, sisters, and friends, had to have long conversations with me. I prayed A LOT. I started specifically asking God for clean scans and great labs. I read the Bible a lot and would have quiet time in my “quiet room”. The harder I pushed in, the harder the darts came. I have really seen first hand what happens when we try to press into God and dwell in His presence, our struggles seem to get bigger. This is the enemy trying to prevent us from pressing in. I started really pondering this in the week that led to my scans. One hour I would be okay, then the next, I felt like I was at war.

I have a wonderful support system with a few friends here in Arizona, my parents back East, and all of my siblings. One of my sisters came to Arizona to have a belated birthday celebration with me, and part of that week entailed her coming with my to my MILLION appointments on October 10th. The day before my scans, she took me shopping where we acted like crazy teenagers trying on fun and weird outfits…making me laugh and taking my mind off the day to come. Throughout this day (and most days before this), when I kept my eyes on God, I was at peace. But, the minute I took them off of God and looked to my problem…BAM! Worry and doubt set in. It reminded me of the story in the Bible (Matthew 14: 22-33) when the Jesus’ disciples were in a boat and Jesus walked on the water to the boat. The disciples didn’t realize it was Jesus and were afraid. Jesus said to them in verse 27, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid”. Peter recognized Jesus at this point and got out of the boat to walk towards Jesus on the water. He was walking on the water towards Jesus and he took his eyes off of Him and began to look around and subsequently began to sink, crying out to Jesus to save him. “Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith”, he said, “Why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:31). Peter began to sink because he took his eyes off Jesus. This very true story spoke volumes to me, and I could see myself in this situation.

The day of my scans, I kept telling myself (and being reminded my by husband and sister) that God has a plan. We can’t change it no matter what we do. My sister and husband really helped me this day by praying with me, taking walks with me, and offering words of encouragement. I played praise and worship music literally all day, and I was constantly praying to God. I prayed for healing and peace, but ultimately HIS will be done. The more I pressed in to God, the more the “worry darts” came. I remember laying on the table for my bone scan with my worship music on, praying, and focusing on God. I can’t begin to tell you how many “worry darts” came from every angle I can think of, but I kept praying and pressing in. When I came out of the scan, I felt so much peace and joy! Throughout the day, I continued to press in, yes, there were some detours along the way and I had to come back to keeping my focus on God. It was one of the biggest challenges I have faced.

Results time. I was a little (or actually a lot) nervous. My oncologist came in with a smile and the nerves started even more.

The ultrasound of my right axillary region (armpit) showed the lymph nodes that were affected were much smaller, however, the CT scan showed RESOLUTION! (Which means that they appears to be normal size and resolution of disease). The breast tissue was hard to see on a CT, but showed that “it” was decreased in size- however, my oncologist stated that the interpretation stated that it was dense breast tissue so it was really not able to tell if the mass was there or not. On exam, she could not feel ANYTHING AT ALL! The spot on my sternum appeared as a scar from the biopsy and that will always show up on a CT as such, so they cannot tell if there is disease there or not. All of my scans showed NO DISEASE anywhere else! Even though the sternal and breast areas were not super clear, she said it is possible that there is no disease there at all. My tumor marker dropped again and was 20 (the upper limit of normal is 25- which would indicate disease). I was told that because this disease WAS hormone positive, there are many cases that did not respond well to chemo- which was not the case with me. The doctors are extremely pleased with the response- and this is God. Based on this information, I am believing that I am healed!!!! God answered prayers and we received amazing news!!!!! I may have been dancing while I was leaving the oncologist’s office this day. “And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven” (James 5:15). I believe that God used the doctors, chemo, and diet changes during this time. So, while I was pressing in struggling to have faith in healing, all those worry darts were a distraction, to take my eyes off of God. While I had faith that I was healed going into this, those worry darts sure tried to make me doubt. When it boils down to it, I think I had the faith of a mustard seed. God is a big God and has shown me just how big!