Forged In The Flames

This week has been filled with ups and downs. Sometimes, I have rough days where I feel a little down about everything going on, wondering if things are going to get better. I start to think about the “what ifs” and let them have a little party. My husband has reminded me that I need to trust God. Even in these moments where I almost feel sorry for myself, I find that when I pray and worship God, my outlook changes. Lately, I struggle with staying as positive as I was in the beginning. One day when I was having a down moment, my husband came to me and told me to get out of my chair, get dressed, and we were going to lunch. Of course, I was not having it and said that I wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to go. He told me I better get up and get dressed. So, I listened. We ended up having a good time and he knew what I needed in that moment. A swift kick in the rear (not literally). After we got home from lunch, he so lovingly told me to go back up to my room and put my feet up while he went to get our son and take care of daily chores. He can be so sweet sometimes and knows how to make me feel better. He also points me to Jesus and tells me to remember God has a plan and to focus on Him and remember to be positive. I am truly blessed to have this man in my life that is always there for me and always points me to God. I prayed and read my devotional that day and felt my mood continue to lift. Sometimes, as hard as it is, we need to get out of our own way, let go, and let God.

Yesterday I had treatment number 7 out of 12 of my current chemo regiment. As I was driving to chemo, I felt less anxious than normal, I had a peace that I cannot describe. I have to meet with my PA every three weeks before chemo and with this, they also draw a tumor marker with my blood work. Obviously, I can get a little antsy to know what this is. When my labs got drawn, my nurse, husband, and myself prayed over my labs. We prayed that the tumor marker would continue to go down, and that any labs that needed to go up would go up. (My ANC, WBC, and Hemoglobin have teetered on the lower end of normal). As I was waiting to see the PA, I felt excited! I cannot describe it, but I had a peace and excitement, and I was almost bouncing off the wall. My PA came in and did my exam, measuring the area of interest. She told me that she can barely even feel anything. What was felt was a 1cm x 1cm area of “density” where I had been having swelling around the mass since everything started. The mass is almost impossible to find/feel on exam! She also told me that my labs are all completely NORMAL!!!!!! My ANC and WBC are now right smack in the middle of normal, my hemoglobin is up, my ALT (a liver enzyme) is NORMAL (Can be elevated due to chemo)! BEST NEWS!? My tumor marker has dropped again. “Normal” for those that do not have tumors/cancer, is 0-25 (used to be 0-28), and mine is 27! God is so good! I was bouncing off the wall even more and almost ran into the infusion room so they could dose me again, haha! I had amazing nurses (which I always do here), and I found myself laughing and joking the whole time… Im surprised I didn’t get kicked out.

I give God all the glory for this. While I know my journey is not over, I feel that He has given me more hope and a renewed strength to continue the fight. Getting chemo, working on exercise, and focusing on my diet are HUGE and I am sure it help with everything, but ultimately, this is up to God. God is in control and He has the plan. I am along for the ride. He has given me strength to go through chemo, He gives me strength to stick with my diet, and to exercise. God gets all of the glory in everything I do and for every single good thing that has happened. I have such hope, joy, and excitement… quite a change from a few days ago. Joy comes in the morning!!! I am not perfect, and I know that I talk alot about being positive, but I also need to be honest when I am not being completely positive. I am human. It happens. But, when I get out of my way, it is amazing to see God’s hand at work.

Wherever you are, no matter what you may be dealing with. Give it to God, He is there. Nothing is to big or to small for Him to handle. I have seen His hand at work so many times lately that I can’t even count. The fact that I was able to work through one of the toughest chemo regiments and NOT have my labs drop off (back in June/July) is a testament to how God is in control and how He gives me strength to do the things I need to do. Mountains are moving. I trust that no matter the outcome of this, God has a plan. My home is not on this earth…heaven awaits! I believe for healing and choose each and every day to put my faith in God. (clearly some days are harder than others)