Forged In The Flames

I had a rather long drive to and from work – 3.5 hours each way to be exact. While it is a beautiful and normally awesome drive (and worth it for 48 hour shifts), it was also a long time to be alone with thoughts. One particular day, very soon after my mammogram/ultrasound, I was really having a hard time wrapping my head around what was going on and the probably diagnosis that I had received. I was trying to give it to God and be positive and then the next minute I would start worrying about my situation and the “what ifs”. I enjoyed being at work because when I was there, I was able to focus on the job at hand, but the drive home sometimes got to me. I could feel my heart rate spiking and would start to worry.

I had spoken with my husband when I started to drive as I was worrying, and nothing he said seemed to help. While his words were wise and comforting, I just could not wrap my head around them. After a time of sitting in the car and worrying, I decided to turn on praise and worship music-even though in that moment, it was the last thing that I wanted to do. Ironically, soon after this, I happened to notice a sign on a bridge indicating the name of a creek I was about to cross- Doubt Creek. I decided that as soon as I crossed that bridge, I would not doubt and I would trust God. I began crying out to God and the song “I speak Jesus” by Charity Gayle came on my playlist. I was brought to tears. If you have not listened to this song- I highly recommend listening to it. If I could have been on my knees, I would have been. Perhaps, I should have actually pulled my car over. I listened to this song over and over again. I gave the whole situation to God- no matter the outcome. What was different this time when I gave it to God versus other times when I was trying to? I actually meant it from the bottom of my heart. It hurt to give it to Him. It hurt my type A and controlling human nature. I asked God that no matter the outcome or what happened, that He use this diagnosis and situation for HIS glory and to bring people to Him. I realized in this moment that this probable cancer diagnosis was drawing me closer to God and was breaking chains. I was thinking about how I liked to have wine maybe a bit too much/often than I should and how I was not praying and seeking God like I should have been, and how I needed to devote more time to my family. I kept praising God and speaking Jesus. I confessed all sins- naming each one.

I had a sudden and tremendous peace that came over me, that no matter what, this situation and my whole life, for that matter, was in God’s hands. I continued to listen and praise and worship God. I don’t know if it was my imagination running wild, or if was God, but I felt “God is not done with me yet”. After that I remembered an event that happened to me as a child. I was at a church service and the visiting minister pulled me out of the crowd (and subsequently my sister as well) and told me that I was going to minister to women. I still am not entirely sure what God has planned for me and I hope that this post, along with my others, speak to not only women, but to men as well. Honestly, through the years I had forgotten about this. I continued to pray and listen to music and I felt peace- continuing to wholeheartedly give the situation and my life to God and pray that this be used for His glory and that His will be done. I did ask God for healing and I spoke healing. All of a sudden I felt hope- like I was given hope. After that so many songs came on that sang/talked about how God was not done and how He gives hope. The interesting thing was, that during my drives, my radio and playlist cuts in and out and randomly some songs play while others do not. I know that God, and God alone has given me hope and purpose. This will be used for His glory. My hope does not come from a doctor of this world, but through Him and Him alone. Every time another song would finally decide to play – it spoke on these things, hope and how God was not done. I know that these songs were meant for me in this very time. I felt God’s presence in the car during that trip home. HIS joy, HIS hope, and HIS love. I was laughing and crying with HIS joy.

Since this time, I have had a renewed hope, a peace, and a joy. I wholeheartedly gave the situation to God and I was no longer trying to give it to Him. I didn’t find myself torn between anxiety and walking in peace. Don’t get me wrong, there are times I still struggle, but it is not the same. Giving it to God hurt-I had to relinquish control. Once I did that- WOW, I had a peace that surpassed all understanding.

I challenge you to give your situation to God- don’t just try on your own like I did, but wholeheartedly, give it to God.