Forged In The Flames

These next few blogs I am going to share blips of time through the past two months .

The day my world felt like it was falling apart. I went in to get the diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound of my breast. I tried to be positive. I was praying everything was negative. I remember sitting in the women’s waiting room waiting to be taken back for the tests. I felt alone, especially since my husband had to wait in the main waiting room. Was I truly alone? NOPE. God was there from the beginning. I played praise and worship music and prayed while I waited. Sitting there waiting in a gown, I felt my anxiety start to creep in. I felt like I was walking a line between having faith and praying and letting my fear, doubt, and anxiety get the better of me.

When the radiologist came into the room, I knew. I sat alone on the bed with my husband sitting what felt like a world away in the chair they gave him across from me. The radiologist said that unfortunately, she was 90% sure that I had cancer in my right breast and right lymph nodes. In this moment, I felt like my whole world came crashing down. Is this even real? Is this some nightmare I am going to wake up from? This can’t be happening to me! She explained that the next steps were a biopsy to confirm. I felt a multitude of emotions – fear, doubt, anger, and numbness. How on earth could this be happening to me?

Over this weekend I was reminded by two different people not to borrow trouble. I was trying to give this situation to God, trying to trust that He had a plan- but I couldn’t see through my fear and doubt.

It is amazing that sometimes people speak into your life that resound quite heavily. Again, I had two different people tell met that I needed to rest in the fact that God is in control. He saw my whole life before I was even born and perhaps He can use this situation for His glory and purpose.

Two days later, I read in my devotion something very fitting for my situation. Acts 27:23 “For there stood by me this night the angel of God”. My devotion had a another blip from Spurgeon:

“Dear reader, is this an hour of distress for you? Then ask for peculiar help. Jesus is the angel of the covenant, and if His presence is now earnestly sought, it will not be denied. Oh angel of my God, be near, amid the darkness, hush my fear; Loud roars the wild tempestuous sea, Thy presence, Lord, shall comfort me” (Spurgeon). Isaiah 14:27 “All the forces of darkness cannot destroy what God has ordained”

God is in control. To worry is to doubt and not have faith. I cannot think of the ‘”could haves” or “should haves”, I don’t need to be in control because God is. This takes alot for me to say- as I am very type A and I have always felt the need to be in control of a situation- especially when I have worked EMS. But, if I am in control, how can God be in control? This was a struggle for me, and I was in no way good about laying down my control. It had to happen one day at a time- one minute at a time.

I do not have to live each day in fear. I need to walk in faith. I have a choice each day when I wake up and every moment throughout the day. I need to be careful of each thought that I have.

IN ORDER TO FIGHT, I MUST HAVE FAITH.

Perhaps some of you are in a similar situation that I am in, or, perhaps you are in a completely different situation. I pray that something I write may help you in whatever you are going through in this life.