Wow, what a week it has been! First, I am proud to say that yesterday I completed 5 months of chemo and RANG THAT BELL! It felt so so good to be able to do that. I had the most amazing nurses during this journey, and I am so thankful for each and every one of them. Not only did they put up with my jokes and my husbands jokes, they always had a smile and words of encouragement. As a nurse, oncology is not my area of expertise. Sure, I know a few things, but they took the time to explain things to me and I learned a lot. I am beyond blessed that I have been able to continue working during this process, and God gave me the strength to be able to do this. The first few rounds were definitely the hardest. I learned that mindset can make or break it. I truly believe my lack of side effects and my ability to work were 1. due to God providing a way and giving me strength, and 2. Due to a positive and determined mindset (yes, of course there were some wonky days in there). I refused to allow my situation to dictate what I do and I refused to accept the potential that I may feel crappy. It just wasn’t an option. My labs have all stayed amazing this whole time! WOOHOO! I have had to relocate my living situations a few times for a week or so when there was illnesses that plagued my house- and somehow, I never got sick (and I pray that I still dont).
I have faced many mental hurdles this week as chemo was coming to a close and the next steps are being laid out. During the past few months of chemo, I fell into a routine. Every Thursday, it was labs and chemo. I knew what to expect. I knew what was coming. Now, I am facing the next steps and it can be a little overwhelming to say the least. I am trying to put one foot in front of the other and continue to be positive. But, like I have been discussing, it is a daily battle and a daily choice. I am not perfect in this, and this past week was pretty rough trying to be positive. I feel overwhelmed with the fact that I am loosing a body part. Its not like I am going in for a boob job (sorry I am not really sure how else to describe all of this), I am completely loosing everything at 38 years old. Sure, they are going to do reconstruction, but it just isn’t the same. This has bothered me quite a bit. But, know that it is for the best and I need to have this done. I have also been thinking about my upcoming scans. BUT- I believe God for complete healing and there is going to be NOTHING on those scans! A lot is going to be changing, but I trust God in this process. When I am weak, He is strong. My husband reminded me that He has carried me so many times, and those times I wonder how I made it and look back- those are God’s footprints that are in the sand carrying me. I am not alone. God is ever present.
Today is my birthday, and I choose to start this next year with more ambition that I have ever had before. I am going to come out of the gate with more fight and determination than ever. Most importantly, I am going to put God first each and every day and remember that He has a plan for my life. I have been listening to a song by CeCe Winans “Goodness of God”. Wow. Just wow. I am going to sing of God’s goodness, in the good times and in the bad. He has been so good to me, and when I look back, I see this! Over the past few months, I have had so many amazing things happen. I have met some wonderful people who have encouraged me on my journey. I have gotten to go to football games with my son, and I was even asked to crank the Big Red Siren for the Cardinals. These are only the tip of the iceberg. I have had such peace given to me from God- and when I take my eyes off of Him and focus on the storm, I feel like I am drowning. This is such a hard lesson to learn. But, when I keep my eyes on God, the peace is indescribable. Logically thinking, why would I take my eyes off of Him? Well, being a human, it somehow happens. I give God all of the glory in everything that has happened.
Going forward, I choose not to have a pity party. I chose to be the lion. I am not going to allow my situation to dictate how I feel. This is going to be a daily process- it doesn’t happen overnight. Our mindsets play a huge role in our lives. I pray that God gives me a mindset that is ever trusting in Him, no matter what happens. I pray that if you are going through something, you can keep your eyes on God. This whole journey has shown me what an amazing and awesome God I serve. He has been there in the good days and the bad days. He hasn’t changed. His love for me hasn’t changed. I am the only one that changes- and I pray that I have positive changes.
Forged In The Flames 