After my first two chemo treatments, I noticed my hair started coming out. While I knew there was a strong possibility that this could occur, it hit home when it actually started to happen. Anytime I ran my hand or brush through my hair, it came out in clumps. Ughh. I looked like a shedding dog. There was hair all over the place. Once I started noticing a bald spot and thinning, I thought, enough is enough. I am tired of the shedding and I refuse to have an isolated bald spot. One evening, after it started looking pretty gnarly, my husband said he would shave my head.
If anyone knows my husband, this was a huge thing for him to say. He loved my long hair and hated any time I had cut it in the past. For anyone that knows me, I have always had a wild streak when it comes to my hair (or a lot of other things for that matter). I have had my hair long, short, many different colors, and had shaved it twice before in the past. One time, years ago in my earlier EMS days, I had buzzed my head in the middle of winter (yes, great idea). I would pull down my winter hat over my ears and almost covering my eyes- one of my captains nicknamed me “Bill”, after Dollar Bill from Fat Albert. Anywho…this evening, I was going back to being “Bill”.
I am sure it was not easy for my husband to do this. It wasn’t easy for me to actually go through this process. I mean, what now? I didn’t want to look “sick” because I sure didn’t feel sick. I was loosing my hair, and I felt, a part of my feminine side. As my husband buzzed the rest of my hair, we tried to lighten the situation by making a mohawk and different hair styles. I mean, how often can you experiment with hairstyles without having to live with it until it grows back? Well, there were a few laughs, and there were most definitely tears. This time I cut my hair, it wasn’t just hair that I was cutting. A small part of me felt that I was loosing something. I was loosing a part of myself and I had no choice in the matter. It was one more thing that was taken from me and there was nothing that I could do to stop it.
I got on Amazon and ordered some hats before I started getting bald spots. I got some caps that were comfortable, but man, they made me look like I lost my hair. My favorite look was the baseball hats. I guess one positive thing in this whole hair situation was that I no longer have to brush my hair or do my hair. I don’t have to buy hair products. I also found that I really enjoyed rubbing lotion on my head.
I have been trying to find the positive in every aspect of my current situation, and this was a little hard for me. Positive takeaway: I can wear my baseball hat backwards and be the tomboy I am inside. Downside: now I really have to do my makeup to make up for it. Even in tough times, God has us. He holds us in His hand. I need to remember this. Outward beauty will always fade away. It is what is on the inside that counts. What is on my “inside”? What is on your “inside”? Do you need outward beauty to make you shine? So, for now…I am back to being “Bill” (insert laughing emoji here).
Forged In The Flames 