The weekend I found out that I probably have cancer was a struggle to say the least. I was angry. I was scared. I was full of fear and doubt. I may have sat on my back porch in the dark crying. We are human. We fall short. It happens. I kept asking God “why”? ‘Why me”? You always here of things happening to others and how other people receive horrible news or the dreaded cancer diagnosis. But, I never thought that it would happen to me. I have a wild imagination and my mind went to worst case scenarios. After all, in my line of work I have always seen people at their worst…never their best. Would I see my son graduate? What would his life be like if I weren’t in it? I kept playing the same songs over and over again, struggling to even make sense of what was going on. I felt torn between my human and flesh side and the side that God calls us to walk in. I was at war within myself. I could see no good in my situation at all. Have you ever found yourself in a situation like this? Perhaps you have not had this kind of medical issue, maybe it is something else that is going on or has happened to you. I wanted to have faith and trust God. I prayed and cried out for help.
Over the weekend I journaled – trying to make sense of everything while fighting between giving in to all of the negative thoughts and trying to be positive. This struggle would continue for several days until something happened that changed all of that. That story I will tell another day very soon as it deserves its own post.
That week I returned to work. I was trying to be positive- trying to carry on like normal. I was sitting in a recliner during some down time and I turned on a show I had been watching (Hawaii 5-0 to be exact) and one of the first lines I heard was ” When things get tough, you need to be strong, You need to be brave and if you can do that, then you are going to be okay”. Sometimes we don’t get to know why, but we have a choice how we handle it. “The JOY of the LORD is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10). I prayed that this would be the case.
I was praying for God to give me joy and strength- joy and strength that can only come from Him. I was trying not to continue to give in to the sudden thoughts of “what if”. I was torn between doubting and being negative and giving it all to God and relying on Him to be the source of my strength. I can tell you right now, that on my own, I was struggling. Had I truly given the situation to God at this point? I was trying…but the answer is, that I had not yet.
The next day I walked with a nurse from City of Hope- and while it was only an intake appointment, I was anxious. I needed to remember that I have to put this whole thing in God’s hands. “But my God shall supply all your needs according to his riches and glory in Jesus Christ” (Philippians 4:19). I wasn’t where this thought came from but I had this random thought this day “I am about to do something new”. I don’t ever presume to know or say if it was God speaking- but why would I have a random thought like this?
If God has the whole world in the palm of His hand, don’t you think that He has you? “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34).
Everyday is about making choices. One day I felt like I made a good choice to be positive and the next day I was having a hard time. I choose to have faith. Worry steals today’s hope, peace, and joy. Rest in God’s peace and hands.
I know I threw a lot out there in this post. Maybe you are in a similar situation that I am in, or maybe an entirely different one. We are human, and we fall short. It is a struggle to truly give a situation to God and we often walk a line between struggling to do so and actually doing it. Left to our own demise, we are full of anxiety and fear over many situations. BUT, what would happen if we truly gave them to God? I am going to tell you what happened to me in my next post- and wow. I am still blow away by it and am amazed at the outcome.
Forged In The Flames 